Saturday, 10 November 2012

Questions,Questions,Questions

(The Song- Questions)

Lyrics:

Who are you God
For you are turning out to be
So much different than I imagined

And where are you God
Coz I am finding life to be
So much harder than I had planned

Know that I am afraid
To ask these questions
But you know they are there

And if you know my heart
The way that I believe you do
You know that I believe in you
Still I have these questions

Like how could you God
How could you be so good and strong
And make a world that can be so painful

And where were you God
I know you had to be right there
I know you never turn your head

You know that I'm confused
By all this mystery
You know I get afraid
But if you know my heart
As completely as I trust you do
oh you know that I trust in you

Is it true
That for every tear I cry
You cry a thousand more
Coz you weep for those that weep

And are you, just holding yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just can't understand for now
But isn't there a day of redemption coming
Ohhh
Redemption is coming
Ohhh

Quickly Lord, come quickly
Lord, come quickly

So who am I God
That you would raise me from the dust
To breathe your life and your love in me
You know that I believe


I have questions, unanswered questions about events that I experienced, the trauma I endured and the consequences of as well as the why of physical illness.
This song "Questions" by Steven Curtis Chapman expresses a lot of how I feel and have thought myself. Even though I have questions and yes I admit a part of me is angry at God I still believe. Thus I nod in firm agreement when Steven Chapman writes "You know that I believe in you, still I have these questions". 

One of my questions is about protection, why did God not protect me from the bad things that happened? Yes I know, God gave us freedom of choice and free will but I need a better answer! I say to God I don't understand, I don't want that answer I want an answer I can accept and move past this sticking point between us. 
Another way I guess to ask this question is why did God not intervene? 

Why does God not heal me now? Why have I been allowed to be ill for many years? I see he has healed others so why not me? I want my miracle healing right now! I know it is not to do with my faith and healing will come but why not right now in this moment? 

There are many more questions but again Steven Curtis Chapman says it better than I can and also his words I find my very soul nodding and feeling understood as I read:

" And are you, just holding yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just can't understand for now
But isn't there a day of redemption coming"

I write in a journal not every day but if something moves me or I read something which helps I write it down in my journal. Also at times I pour out my feelings and in my quiet times with God I will write down what he has placed upon my heart. For a while I have wrestled with these questions above and others, questioning God, asking for an answer. Slowly I have heard God speak. Through the song lyrics above, God understands and I am not the only person to question in this way. Also as I was in my quiet time last night what came to mind was:

"Hope, trust, in the Lord your God your father
and lean not on your own understanding."

I think perhaps the answers I am looking for will never be the answers I am being given or have been given to my questions. At this stage in my recovery journey and physical health journey I am angry and shouting that the answers given are: not good enough, I don't want to accept them. I think further on in my healing journey as I work out my anger, hurt, pain and the mix of feelings/emotions present I will come to a place where I will accept the not understanding and I won't lean on my own understanding. I will be content to know that God has reasons for holding back and not crushing all the evil and pain right now. I will trust that God is truly loving and wept as he saw one of his created children hurt another. But for now it actually gives me some peace to hold onto the father's words:

"Hope, trust in the Lord your God your father
and lean not on your own understanding."

and yet....

I believe in you father God but I still have questions.




32 comments:

  1. My dear friend, this journey is not easy for sure.
    Some of the questions may go unanswered...some may just start to be distant voices from the background like ghosts in the past. Pain, suffering so hard to comprehend. Injustice, cruelty- but know this truth you have echoed: Hope , trust in Him...better look hard into the face of Jesus. Read Him, eat Him, Drink Him...that which you do not understand is able to be embraced by His grace. Let Him hold you now...in it, through it. Know you are not alone in the journey. I too have walked through many dark paths. He is faithful. Keep looking to the Light. HUgs.

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    1. Dawn it is such an encouragement to read your words and you are right I am not alone. The only answer is to look to Jesus and keep my eyes on him. I appreciate your understanding. God Bless and smiles.

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  2. Heavenly Father loves us, he has given us all our free agency and I can guarantee that it hurts Him when someone hurts us. As difficult as it can be and I know that it is... we will all rise above this eventually, we just have to hold on to hope... It's never easy though:S

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    1. No it's never easy but you are right Launna we have to hold onto hope. Smiles

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  3. Hugs for you. I am glad you are holding on to your faith despite your questions. I think that is the perfect verse for a time like this for you..."lean not on your own understanding." There are so many things we don't understand. Still I am sorry you have been so hurt.

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    1. I may question and feel like I am battling my faith at times but I always have my faith I hold on to it like a sinking ship at times but I am blessed to still have it. Thank you for the hugs. Smiles.

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  4. Me too...there's so much I don't understand...but I gotta trust...I gottta believe b/c He's the only One who freed me from that awful darkness....I couldn't get free......He freed me. So now...those things I don't get....I chose to wait out and trust. Hugs to you BTS.....In your corner routing for you....

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    1. Sarah (Nikki) thank you so much for sharing, so it's not just me-thank goodness. Also you are such an encouragement and give me hope. Helps me to keep going and hold onto that hope and wait...Hugs for being in my corner. Smiles.

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  5. I am sorry that you have experienced hurt and have all the anger and emotions that go along with that. I can understand where you're coming from because I still have a lot of anger and bitterness at past hurts too. I love the verse that you shared and hope that I, too, can lean not on my own understanding but trust God.

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    1. Feeling understood helps in the healing Tina, thank you and I am sorry to that you have experienced past hurts. We will both hold onto the leaning not on our own understanding. Blessings and smiles.

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  6. Those are ligetimet questons. Many I have asked and drawn concern. Trusting is the hardest thing to do. To have my life placed in the hands of the Almighty Creator of me. Who knows the best for me, even though I think I know better at times. Hence forth producing questions of...."why why why." Great post dear one. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. JBR you have such a beautiful heart and say just the right things as in your comment here because you have reassured me and wow I can't tell you how that has helped me to have someone say these are legitimate questions-thank you and hugs to you.

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  7. This makes so much sense to me. I have lots of unanswered questions too, although I think I'm going through a stage of knwoing they will never be answered. Somehow I just have to believe that God knows. Some times I manage that better than others. :-) Thanks for sharing the song, it certainly puts to words a lot of un-utterable (id that a word?) thoughts.

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    1. Cate you are right sometimes we do manage better than at other times to accept perhaps we may not get the answers at least not in this lifetime but then other times-bang, back to the angst of it all and the Why, Why Why? It is a good song I stumbled across it and just thought it spoke. Smiles.

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  8. I have often wondered these same things. I don't know the answer but I do know that Jesus own disciples suffered and many are persecuted just for being a follower pf God. God not only permitted but it was in his plan for his own son, Jesus, to suffer and die on the cross. There must, must, be a reason for suffering. Maybe it is my suffering that keeps me in close connection with God, maybe that is what keeps me on my knees. I don't have the answer but the promise is that there will be no suffering in heaven so that is certainly worth holding on too.

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    1. No suffering in heaven is certainly something to hold on to as you say Krystal Lynn. I think the reason for suffering will one day become clear but perhaps not in this lifetime. It would help to know now though...Smiles.

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  9. Oh the Questions!! Yes, I have a set of my own questions. But, I think the more we grow in Him the easier it becomes to surrender many things.
    Sometimes I find myself praying the prayer found in the book of Mark 9:24 ... I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!"

    I always enjoy to read your heart, emotions, and your love for God. It's refreshing to me to 'hear' the words of other Sisters-in-Christ.
    God Bless you along this journey ... remembering Jer. 29:11
    ~Deanna
    @ theheartshunger.blogspot.com

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    1. Deanna, I was nodding and I smiled as I read your words because I often say that in prayer to: Forgive me father, I believe please help my unbelief. Jer 29:11 was so apt for me, thank you. Your encouragement has blessed me Deanna. God Bless and smiles.

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  10. When you relinquish the thoughts of all desires and yearning and learn to live in the moment it will all become clear. I too battled and fought. I also have ME/CFS...to add to that I also had another experience...he hasn't left you or abandoned you he's still there...if it's any help...I believe we make agreements before coming here to learn certain lessons...http://expeditiongrace.wordpress.com/2012/11/10/how-a-relationship-with-a-sociopath-led-me-towards-greater-spiritual-awareness/

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    1. Betty, lovely to see you hear and thank you for comment. There is something to be said for living in the moment and we who suffer from ME/CFS know all to well that the spirit is less stressed when accepting to live in the moment and not look at what has been lost or question how our future is going to look.
      Always being reminded that God has not abandoned me/us helps. Thank you. I will come by your blog and sorry for the delay in my reply to your comment-ill health and our common illness the cause. Smiles.

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    2. Sending good vibes, prayers and loving thoughts that you will find some relief soon...be loving and gentle with yourself...I too am having a rough time with the colder weather coming in...it's almost as if winter causes a hibernation! I have neighbors in the spring thaw that greet me with: "You still live here?" Thank you for your kind words and dropping by. I look forward to reading more of your blog. All the best!
      Betty

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  11. popped in to wish you a beautiful thursday......

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    1. I hope you have had a beautiful Thursday also Sarah :-), Thank you, you cheered me up. Smiles.

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  12. Hello everyone. Sorry for not replying to your comments earlier. I was not on the computer due to catching a bug and eye infection coupled with CFS brainfog/fatigue, well not a great week. However I just wanted to say how much I appreciated all of your thoughts and kind words of encouragement. The blog community is such a support. Smiles and blessings to you all.

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    1. I was wondering about you! Are you over the bug?

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    2. Getting there Kristina but still not over it yet. Thank you for asking. Hugs.

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  13. I share your questions and also the hope that God, the Father, has all the answers and In time, He will reveal them to us.

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    1. Peggy, thank you for sharing. There are a few of us with these questions but also we hold onto the hope. I think God understands. I long for the day he will reveal the answers...
      Blessings.

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  14. May you find the peace you need and the healing you want.

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    1. Thank you Littleyana, I appreciate your warm, kind words. Smiles.

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  15. I'm so sorry you are struggling so much right now. I too have had times in life when I've had all these questions and nothing seemed to make sense to me. I admire you for deciding to follow God anyway, in spite of your pain and in spite of the unanswered questions that you live with. You are an inspiration.

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    1. Sunny you are too kind to me but thank you for your generous words and your encouragement. Hugs.

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I appreciate it and will leave a reply but it may not be right away. Smiles.